Goodbye and good luck all you fellow unfit lardies out there.....

Today is a sad day. Fat Joggers UK will cease to function as of today.

It is with a heavy heart I say goodbye to running and all you brilliant peeps who have been following my progress..... I am starting to suffer with MTSS (shin splints) they are very painful and it is due to running on unforgiving surfaces. And being fat and unfit of course!!!!

Take heart though, fat cycling season is starting....... you never know, maybe I will start another blog but I fear it will not be the same.

Goodbye my friends - take it steady :) xxx

I Love Air Con

It is my utter pleasure to inform everyone that the air con is fixed in the gym. Thank God. If I had got as sweaty as I did last night again I think I may have had to employ a pressure washer upon leaving the gym.

So tonight was the third night of spin in a row, feeling a little.... um....... dead. My poor thighs are so damn rock solid that I could crush a coconut between them. Sadly, this will wear off by tomorrow and I will be back to the lardy bitch that I was before tonight. It's Amber's fault. For whatever reason she seems to feel the need to try and kill us at the moment. I had such a conversation with one of the other girls tonight, just before Adam began to crack the 'stand up and fucking pedal' whip.

There was some poor new bloke tonight, came in with the ex-Chilton gym people. Poor bastard. I don't think we will see him again. He was a tad overweight to say the least and I think he stopped pedalling more than he actually started and his friends just laughed at him. They are proper rude actually, they talk over Adam all the time and just pretty much ignore what he says. What can you learn by ignoring your instructor? Do us all a favour and piss off back to Chilton.

I'm sure my irritation added to my sweat factor too - no....wait.... that would just be my lard and the fact that I haven't actually done any running for 3 weeks now. Must pull finger out. Being a lazy bitch was what got me into this in the first place!

I did have a small realisation on Monday though, I was having a bad vertigo day and felt rough as at spin which got me thinking..... This time 18 months/2 years ago I was too poorly to even contemplate doing spin. I couldn't stand up without the use of anti vertigo drugs and my brain was trying its hardest to shut down both my legs and my right arm all at the same time. I was in and out of hospital with various appointments, clinics, physio etc and the thought of sitting on a spin bike for 45 mins 3 times a week would not have even been within my thought spectrum. It was enough effort to lift a freaking cup of coffee to my mouth! It is amazing when I look back on how my body can change its mind so quickly about what part it would like to work (or not) on any given day.

At the moment my biggest challenge is having enough dry spots on my towel to actually mop the sweat as opposed to just pushing it around my puce-coloured face and smearing my makeup all over the place. And Amber, if you are reading this, sweat is still NOT fit!

Fortunately, I have ruined the 3 in a row for next week by having the joys of the glaucoma clinic so only twice next week! *quietly celebrates*

The Stupid Stuff That Goes Through Your Head In A Spin Class

See, now, here's the thing....... the people you see at your exercise class (whatever type you do) you tend to ONLY see at your exercise class. Except of course the friends you actually go with. I know we are all in the same boat etc etc BUT there are certain questions that you ask yourself during said class.

Tonight my brain was far more up for the exercise than my body (yeah I know, nothing new but tonight I REALLY did not wanna play) and as a result, it was working at least 50,000 times faster than my legs. So, whilst you are pouring with sweat and feeling the need for an oxygen tank and some form frontal lobotomy because you CANNOT understand why you are there, questions start to form. These were my questions tonight.....

1) Why can't my fitness instructor and those people in the class that I do not know so well, happen to bump into me somewhere and see me NOT looking like a disgusting sweaty bag of shit??? I'm not sure they would even recognise me if I wasn't in minging joggers, the colour and temperature of a cooking lobster and forming enough sweat to fill a large water butt. Seriously, I don't always look that disgusting but I'm feeling like this is almost an alter ego forming - disgusting, sweaty, rank Steph. Which leads on to my next question

2) OMG how curly has my hair gone with all this moisture? Am I frizzy yet? Do I look like I have stuck my wet fingers in a socket then leapt in a bath for good measure?

3) Why am I doing this to myself? I know I have the overwhelming desire to be thin but ffs sometimes its just not worth it. Recently Amber has dropped some pearlers onto her facebook - pain is not real it's a state of mind. Well, tell that to my freaking thighs. They are far removed from my brain and they were HURTING. She also says 'sweat is fit.' Well, fuck me, I must look like the fittest, sexiest person on gods earth at the end of the class. Now, why on earth would any sane person allow people to see them like this????

4) Is everyone else as knackered as I am? You look across at the others and of course you can't tell how sweaty and disgusting they are, if at all and they manage to smile.... bitch I can barely breathe let alone fucking smile.

5) Is my mascara all down my face? Having to go straight from work I invariably have makeup on now, I appreciate that every last scrap of foundation has been sweated off (the evidence is all over my saturated towel) BUT is my waterproof mascara actually waterproof or do I look like a chavvy panda with ink on its face?

6) If my pants get any further up my ass will anyone notice if I yank them out. Do I care if anyone notices?

7) How much of my hair dye is on the collar of my t-shirt and will it wash off? I'm not even sure how it gets to my collar but it has been known that I have gone home with a purple collar on several occasions.

8) I want to know what the time is but I'm scared to look at the clock or my watch because if it tells me we've only been here 10 minutes I think I'll just lie across my handlebars and die.

9) I go blind in my left eye when I overheat - does it look different? Can anyone notice? Does it look like I'm on drugs?

10) Is Amber on something? She's so energetic. If she is, I want some. NOW. If she's not...... well, that's just not right now is it?

So you see, spin is a very complicated thing. I have all this to concentrate on whilst also trying to make my hanging legs keep moving at whatever clinically insane pace I am told to go at.

I'm so not wanting to do spin number 3 now........ my poor tired legs :(

I Have GOT To Stop This.....

Well, tonight started on my way home in the car (why is there always a 40mph twat by the way? What is it about 40mph that makes certain people need to do that particular speed in a 60 zone?) when I was arguing with myself about did I go running or did I take the bike out? The bike sadly lost as to make it worth my while I need to do at least 10-15 miles and then it would be pitch dark and fricking freezing and I would be miles from home, probably knowing my luck in a force 50 gale freezing my fingers over the hoods on my handlebars. Just looking on the bright side, like.

So..... I delayed the run as long as I could justify then off I set. Today's most valuable lesson: do not run when you are hungry enough to eat a scabby donkey unless you don't mind hearing your stomach rumble over the traffic AND your earphones that are set loud enough to make your eardrums bleed. I'm not kidding I could have started the next major tectonic plate shift with my guts tonight. Fortunately for the majority of my run I am alone so I only get embarrassed for myself rather than because someone has had to get ear defenders so I can run by their house.

At this point I would like to point out that I live in a respectable area, nice little village, nice people..... except tonight I must have ran through some sort of wormhole that brought me out in a parallel universe because, as I jogged round a corner on a nice quiet little back street to the cheerful tune of Dizzee Rascal and THERE HE WAS. THE MAN. It actually made me anchor up mid stride and nearly face plant the pavement. Up ahead of me was a lone man dragging a....... wait for it....... baseball bat along in his right hand. Now, although I had anchored up in surprise I figured there was some kid up ahead somewhere who he'd been in the playing field with (in the dark of course that was likely, Steph, good thinking) so I carried on. Sadly this rapidly turned out not to be the case when said man approached a bush up ahead and suddenly turned on it and started screaming at it and pounding the shit out of it with said bat. Great. I am just about to turn around and go the other way (quickly) when I realise actually I'm quite close and he has seen me. So, now I have that nanosecond dilemma which seems to go on forever in my brain as to whether I turn round and make it obvious he has freaked me RIGHT out or, do I play it cool and brave jogging past him like he's totally normal and stable......... sadly by this time I am practically on top of him so the decision was taken away and I had to run past. It got weirder...... he stopped screaming and beating the bush as I got level with him, cleared his throat and said 'evening.' Well, that was it for me, I managed to nod and smile then had to LEG IT up the road so I could laugh my tits off. I swear I have not laughed that hard in ages.

I have GOT to stop jogging at night, I can't take much more of this, I'm gonna have a breakdown. Actually I think my shins already have as I seem to lose all feeling in them as I'm running and I feel like I'm running on my knees. Strange...........

Serious though, I appear to live in a village from a horror movie where everyone is normal during the day and turn completely psychotic at night...... wonder if it's catching?????

Strangely Quiet

Went for my Wednesday run last night in the strange apocalyptic quiet..... ok it was cold enough to cryogenically freeze me in mid-run pose but it was only 6.00 ish! It should have been the tail end of rush hour but there was barely a car on the road and I don't think I passed another human being on foot or even on a bike. It was, once again, like a bizarre horror movie scene you know, right before someone springs out with a meat cleaver to hack my limbs off...........

Anyway, it was my last run of week 3 so I have to start week 4 over the next couple of days. Not looking forward to that much, gotta be honest. Still, I was like this over week 3 and it wasn't so bad so we'll see!

I have recently involuntarily adopted a new tactic - I feel myself starting to die and of course, I think OMG I'm gonna have to stop in a minute but then, this other voice in my head (scary I know) starts shouting 'stop thinking about dying, you're fine! No! Stop thinking that!' and the argument continues until the woman on the training app yells 'WALK' down my ear! It obviously works as I don't stop because I'm so busy listening to the 2 voices in my head having their very own argument! This also detracts from the eerie sensation of being totally alone on the badly lit streets with no pavements just waiting for that lunatic I mentioned earlier.........

I Love Amber

Amber was back last night!!! It was like chariots of fire. I could have run across the studio in slo-mo yelling Aaaaaammmmmbbbbbbeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!! lol.

Poor girl has had such a bad week. She got called into hospital, told she had Leukaemia, then told actually no you don't sorry. Then the people at her other gym are being right gym bunny bitches and pretty much ignoring her completely in her class whether she be trying to talk to them or giving them instructions. She was so pleased to be back with us lot it was quite sweet!

Not that that made her go any easier on us..... I don't know what was dripping more, my towel or my face! And after having barely eaten for a week we certainly suffered the tiredness more than normal. The whole session went really quick though - it was strange. I was hanging out my arse but felt like we'd only been in there 15 minutes or so and it was all over!

Fat Jogging tonight.... must motivate myself and hope I come across no more weird old ladies driving around dead passengers.....

The Name and Shame

Let's cut to the chase on this one. Sammay FAILED. In epic proportions.

We decided to run, despite the weather and, off we went on our first run interval and all was well. We hit our first walk and Sammay announces (loudly) that she needs a poo. Apparently it was gonna be ok though and she could hold it. So off we went again on the next run where she continued to shout after me she needed a crap. Luckily there was no-one around to see me laughing hysterically and gasping for oxygen more than usual.

On the third run I thought she was still shouting about needing a crap but no! This time she was shouting she had cramp so we stopped and she did some stretches on a wall in some street before the park. Tried again for a run and it wasn't happening so we walked into the park and she said she would walk fast while I ran a circuit of the park. Ok.... off I went, met up with her at the other side and asked if she was doing the next run...... NO. In no uncertain terms she was not. So we walked out the park and down some road (Kendale Road?) and headed for home. At this point I'm so lost its unreal. No idea on any vague direction I should be going so just wandered along behind, playing out the run program down my ear but not actually doing it as Sammay has failed so miserably. At this point it occurs to me that I really need to learn my way round Bridgwater so if this happens again to either of us, the other can run on home and meet up there. But, sadly, I was beyond lost and, I gotta be honest, whatever road is at the end of what was possibly Kendale Road, that begins with F, looked like a road I should have been running down if you get what I mean. I can't imagine anyone would want to stay still for long down there for fear of finding themselves stripped of everything they own, including their clothes, in the blink of an eye.

So, the whole thing was a fail. And apparently I'm starting to sound like a personal trainer as I told Sam off for being a windmill in a stretch.... lol. If I was a personal trainer I'd be thinner and richer!!!!

Live rigor mortis.

Everything I have ever said against Adam or Amber I totally retract. Amber is NOT a spinning devil, Amber is an angel. I vow to throw rose petals in front of her as she walks if I NEVER have to see Louise again.

Louise is the stand in if anybody is sick. Amber was sick tonight and omg. I'm reasonably sure I now have rigor mortis in my legs even though I am apparently still alive. I know 250% that I will not be able to walk tomorrow. We were stood up and pedalling like fuck for at least 40 of the 45 minutes. Some of the pedalling was backwards, some forwards but ALL was on pretty high resistance if not ridiculously high! It was the first time I actually felt at one point I might not make it through the class. Nikki almost let a mouthful of puke go, everyone else was just deadly silent through the whole thing. I now have legs of steel, which is great but I don't think my knees will bend ever again and, right now, I think I could crush bowling balls between my thighs. When Louise asked if we had enjoyed it at the end, she must have had her ear drums blown by the resounding silence. No, you psychotic bitch you have nearly killed us all.

And I am expecting my legs to jog tomorrow.....?

Rain and Kidney Pain

I gotta admit, I'm proud of my desire to be thin today. After a day of feeling like I've run around like a headless chicken I forced myself to go for a run in the dark and the pissing rain. I had over indulged a tad during the day on wasabi peas and cheese on toast, bits of chocolate etc so I had to do 'the guilt run.'

Not only was it dark, cold and raining but my kidneys decided to repeatedly punch me in my lower back at that particular moment but, it was only kidney ache, I wasn't going to die (so I kept telling myself whilst making mental note to buy hydrating isotonic drinks asap - I don't want kidneys the size of shrivelled walnuts thank you very much).

Well, let me tell you, there are some serious weirdos out at that time of night. Including a bloke having an argument with a hedge - I ran particularly quickly past him - and a kerb crawling old lady with her soon-to-be-dead looking friend. I assumed they wanted directions being old and out in the car in the dark, probably only living 5 minutes up the road but, that's ok, we all get a little disoriented from time to time..... so I slowed up and pulled my earphones out in preparation for the car window to come down but no! All that happened was the (I assume) still living corpse in the passenger seat just stared really creepily at me with her mouth open. I suppose she might have been dead. The driver meanwhile was gripping the steering wheel like a vice and just staring straight ahead. I actually felt the need to look behind me to see if the zombie apocalypse was upon us. If it was, it was very quiet. So I jogged on, looked back to see the car doing a 360 and coming back. They slowed again by me but on the other side of the road, driver still staring ahead, passenger staring out the other window like she was in the first place. Then the car crawled away. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced the passenger was dead. Maybe the driver hadn't realised....

Anyway, got home, soaked, a little freaked out and still with thumping kidneys. Took some disgusting hydration powder drink thing, now am wondering if actually its not my kidneys at all, its the fact that I had to push a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre up a steep-ass hill with a large bale of hay in it and my back just hurts!

Whatever it is, it had better have buggered off by morning cos it bastard hurts!!!!

Could the aliens please return Adam?

Disaster has struck! Adam has turned into Amber. Much as I love Amber, her class is hard-ass and we use Adams class the night before to warm up. But NOOOOOOOOO. Not tonight!

We were greeted with him all excited as he had changed his routine and were we ready for it etc. Yeah yeah Adam it's all good. No no Adam it's not!!! Shit the bed. We must have spent 80% of the whole class doing standing bloody hill climbs and jumps, the other 20% sprinting like demons. And the air con was either not on or I was on some serious menopausal flush for pretty much the whole 45 minutes! Once again, trying to find the dry spot on my towel was like trying to find the wet spot in the Sahara.

To make matters worse, the snooty bint next to me didn't take her bloody sweater off for at least 20 minutes, when she finally did all I could see were her bingo wings flapping away out the corner of my eye. Attractive. Still at least I'm not the only one with bingo wings and a muffin top so I suppose I should be grateful.

The Adam impersonator wanted a bit of feedback at the end and, surprisingly, it had given me a proper buzz by the end. Whether I can walk tomorrow remains to be seen. And there is no Amber tomorrow so I will have a bonus recovery day!!! Suppose I ought to try and jog tomorrow instead - unless its blowing a force 20 gale and snowing which is what they have forecast. Here's hoping they are very wrong!!!!!

Surgery required!

Today I went out on the bike instead of running. It was bloody freezing and omg my arse has forgotten how freaking hard my damn saddle is on the road bike and how uneven the road surfaces are!!!

Only did a very disappointing 9.5 miles as my companion was not feeling her best to say the least! Felt like we had been out for ages and covered miles - one of those statements is true - we had been out for ages! Whilst not feeling too badly out of breath (apart from the hills!) and not feeling tired physically, my arse had had enough by the time we got home. Must try and cycle more, toughen my butt up again! It was doing laundry really well by the time I had the necessary surgery to remove my ass from the saddle!!

Desperate Housewives

This morning I went for an early run (mainly to avoid being seen by any 'real joggers' or too many people in general) to embark upon my first day of week 3 which is quite a jump from week 2. I'm not gonna lie, I was a tiny bit apprehensive about it and quite sure I wouldn't be able to do it.

As it happens, it went really well, due to my sudden ability to pace myself. My normal problem is, I don't really know how to jog so I run everywhere at almost maximum speed. Fortunately today, I managed to get it together and completed my run quite successfully!

However, on my cool down walk, I was forced to stand aside and allow the menopausal housewives of Somerset 'jog' past me in their designer spandex, sweat bands and trainers, faces caked in makeup, chattering away as they shuffled past trying to asphyxiate me with their ridiculous designer perfume. Seriously, you're going jogging. Why in Gods name would you put makeup and perfume on???

I swear if I EVER turn into that, I will hire a hitman on myself.

The Naughty Corner

I gotta be honest, I love spin. Truly. I was proper hacked off with work today and, in a foul mood when I got there.

Now, whilst Amber is a total nutter and clinically insane on a spin bike, she is a really lovely cheery girl so, despite the fact I know I'm going to drown in my own sweat during her class, she does make everyone smile. Fortunately, she did not come in the studio quick enough to catch me and Nikki swapping Nik's bike as she had the spastic bike that the seat will not stay up on. It's great, you're halfway through a sprint, pounding the crap out of the pedals and your seat drops to the lowest setting and you break your teeth on the handlebars. Hell no.

So class begins and probably not even 10mins in and I am sweating like a biatch as we are just out of range of the air con again. I mean, I could feel the air con on my right hand so that wasn't sweaty...... there is nothing more disturbing than looking down and seeing drops of your own sweat on the floor by the bike. We have decided we need bath sheets rather than hand towels in future. Searching for the dry spot on your towel after 45 mins of spin is like finding rocking horse crap.

So we come to the stretches at the end and have to crank our legs up to the crossbar of the bike. Now, the bikes are pretty close together as class was full which, apparently, left Nikki in perfect range to kick me up the arse. Of course, I turned round and slapped her foot and Amber busted us. She said she's putting us in the naughty corner next week and did that whole mother thing ' I'm still watching you!' for the rest of the stretch.

Bring on the naughty corner. I'm at home there.

Grumpy B****

Today I feel grumpy. Discontent with life in general and bored out of my box. I think I might agree with my dear friend The Whingeing Walker and put it down to lack of endorphins. Also, I would imagine, lack of chocolate but, that is the main contributor to the `fat` part of fat joggers. Unfortunately there is way more of the fat than there is of the jogger at the moment.

Still, it was spin tonight and that always makes me feel better. However tonight, we were placed slightly out of the air con range which resulted in both of us dripping like snow under a Sun lamp with sweat in Adams class. That state of affairs is normal for Ambers class as she's a crazy person but not with Adam. Oh well, a few more pounds lost through sweat can't be a bad thing!

Now I'm home and had my healthy spinach and ricotta pasta tea. Great. Except I followed it with a scotch pancake and syrup, some smoky bbq pretzels and some dairy milk. I'm not sure I could have made spin more pointless if I tried.

I'm really ready for it to be spring now so I can get back out in the garden and watch my lovely flowers grow and also I won't spend my evenings sitting on my arse eating as it's so shitty outside.

I'm bored of bad weather. I'm bored of my job. I'm bored of being surrounded by well behaved people. I have pent up deviant energy to release! Must jog more! Keeps me out of trouble.......

A Bad Day

Well, today has been an epic fail. Open day at work, waste of time, had next to nobody in so we all just stood around like lemons while the morning dragged like a seals arse. At some point during the morning I managed to break myself quite spectacularly, to the point I was struggling to breathe without severe pain across the top of my back. Fortunately I have an exceptional friend who is not only a masseuse but also does lots of other alternative therapies so, I decided I'd better get to her a bit sharpish before it all completely seized. Sadly in the process of getting to her, I inadvertently stood somebody up, which I feel really bad about but, I had text, it just never got through. Guilt muchly.

Anyway, I arrive at my lovely friends house to have my back trigger point therapied (which hurts like hell can I just say) to find her having some deep and meaningful moment because she'd met some psychotherapist and needed to download the whole experience. Then she proceeded to bring me to my knees one minute then make me climb the walls next with sheer pain but it's already made a difference. It's supposed to be 48hrs to take full effect and apparently I'm supposed to rest at all costs for those 48hrs as I'm such a mess inside my shoulder blades. Joy. Like that's going to happen, I don't have time to rest!

So, no run today. I was hoping to take the bike out earlier but everything hurt too much so that pissed me off too! It's gonna be a sulky evening!!

Run off the weirdness

Today was my first run in just over a week. I decided to repeat the last stage of week 2 again as I hadn't jogged for so long BUT, I stepped up the pace a fair whack. I needed to run off the general weirdness of my day. Plus I was so tired when I got in, I could have slept right there and then so I figured I needed waking up.

It was a tad chilly as I set out but didn't feel ridiculously cold. I did my warm up without incident and set off at a reasonably swift (for a giant fat blob) pace. Well, bugger me, by run number 2 my head was belting and my throat was sore from sucking in arctic air. At the halfway point, I went through the familiar phase of 'what the hell am I doing out here in the dark and the freezing blody cold?' Once again, I had to remind myself of the answer - 'I'm out here because I don't want my scales to keep saying one at a time please each time I get on to weigh.' So off I set again at said pace when I realised sadly, coming up, was A HILL. Dun dun daah! Needless to say I was wheezing like an asthmatic Darth Vader by the time I got to the top of what, in reality, is a small incline rather than the aforementioned hill. I now have full blown ice cream headache and my throat is like Ghandis flip flop and I am still a mile from home. I also need a wee due to the cold but I am hoping that dehydration will cause it to retract as weeing oneself would only be warm for a matter of seconds. The last run was actually gonig quite well until I hit an ice patch on the road I was running up and proceeded to skate (not gracefully and with full blown windmill arms) for what seemed like a mile but was probably only a foot. Thank god there were no cars at the time as I was still running on the road at that point. I got home without further incident and went to have a quick glance at the temperature on the weather station as I thought it unusual for the road to freeze that early in the evening.... -2.8! I am certifiable. Who the hell runs in the dark in -2.8????? What sort of crazy person does that?!!!

Bright side, I was trying out a new pair of trainers - Karrimoor trail running shoes. Amazing. Loved them. And they were only £26! Someone (you know who you are) said to me today that the expensive trainers were always the best. Bollocks. My other pair are Nikes, despite the wear they now have, they were never this comfortable.

Oh and the Birthday Bunny has finished his birthday donut and is now lying in the crumbs :)

Snow and Silence

Well, it's been a few days since my last blog, for a number of reasons. The main reasons being
1) I lost one of the best bunnies in the world on Saturday. It was a huge shock and I was completely devastated so not really in the mood to blog.
2) There has been so much bloody snow falling here in the southwest that I have not been able to jog without physical injury such as, oooh let's think, breaking my neck on the packed ice.

So as I had nothing worthwhile to say I didn't bother! Foreign concept to most I know, shutting your mouth when nothing interesting is going to come out.

I have been spinning though, in spite of the tragic weather that forced me to do 30mph on the M5 last night. Amber had once again, had a bad day. she confessed to such too so, we were duly punished with painful endurance sessions until the charming Amber had released her rage. At one point not one of us could speak due to lack of oxygen and she sits there on her bike with her size 0 figure wanting us to smile! Bitch we can't breathe, never mind smile! I'm rather glad Adam takes the Monday class, it's like a warm up to Ambers Tuesday hell

Anyway, it is my bunnys birthday tomorrow, I should go prepare his birthday donut. Do I hide it in his morning vegetables? Or do I give it to him upon my return from work? Decisions.......

Level 2 Sammay

Tonight, Sammay surpassed herself and successfully completed week 2 run 1. Yay!

It was a good run, despite the fact that it was not only rush hour and everyone on the commute home could see us gasping for oxygen but, it was also bloody freezing and we were sucking in lungfuls of sub zero air. Which you would think would be quite refreshing but in actual fact it gives you ice cream headache and makes your lungs go rock solid and lose the ability to flex with required air intake. We also passed (or rather got passed by) a lot of ' real joggers' you know, people who can actually run a reasonable distance in one go, rather than 3 steps, stop and wheeze. Satisfyingly though, there was one woman who blatantly had that 'I refuse to look like I am out of breath while I pass someone' look which made us feel better!

Anyway, congratulations Sammay on hitting level 2! Big pat on the back time :-)

PMS

Well, it turns out, dear little Amber (the spinning devil) may have had a touch of pms last night. She was, I'm fairly sure, trying to kill us all. She is a crazy person. And, she wonders why none of us werre answering her.... that would be because none of us could breathe. We have all made mental notes to run away in 4 weeks time when THAT TIME comes round again.

Now, to add to my woes, the office radiator has packed up and we are all freezing. I love my life today.

Spinning

So, tonight was my first spin class for 3 weeks. Now, it was hard enough before when I had been going regularly but, after 3 weeks off over the Xmas period, I was dreading it. I had all these visions of the ridiculous amount of goose, mince pies, chocolate I had eaten being immediately visible via the media of muffin top, to all the skinny little bints that roll in and out of the classes as they please. Well, either the neon arrow pointing to said rolls of fat was switched off or, everyone was far too polite to point and gasp as I swallowed the bike seat.

As it happens the class was not half as bad as I expected and, I was nowhere near as hanging out of my arse as I feared I would be. Unfortunately, spin class number 2 is tomorrow with the little demon Amber. Tiny little spinning devil that sits her size 0 backside at the front, shouting words of encouragement that just translate as abuse to our overweight bodies. Yay. I can't wait.

Good News!!!

Already we have gained a third member of Fat Joggers UK! Welcome Leah!!!! :D

Frozen Lungs

So...... off I went this morning, full of life and energy (at least as full of life and energy as you can be before coffee or breakfast) to march up the road on my 5 minute warm up walk and before I knew it, I was frozen to the spot. Not only was it BALTIC cold, it was also raining and windy. It sounded and looked ok from INSIDE the house.... IT LIED. It was like jogging through a polar bears frozen piss storm. Still, at least no-one can accuse me of being a fair weather jogger (although the idea seems more than appealing after todays experience). However, I duly completed my C25K app instructions and workout, timed it beautifully that I was 2 minutes up the road from my mothers house when I finished so, in I shot for coffee! Brrrrrr!!!!

Cold!!

Can I just share how friggin' cold it is today and I am scheduled to run later this evening..... in the dark.... and the cold...... I DON'T WANT TO!!!! I will be on my last program of week 2 in C25K.... Then I have to go on to week 3 when I feel sure I will die of oxygen deprivation. Will update later, if I haven't frozen in slow animation on the side of the road somewhere........

Bad Habits

Well, I gotta be honest, I do sometimes catch myself doing stuff that makes me realise why I'm so lardy. I get home after my run and, with all the best intentions, nuke myself a weight watchers curry. Surprisingly, the green Thai chicken curry is really nice, unlike the usual watery disgusting low calorie crap you get. So, on my lap tray it goes and off I trot into the front room to eat whilst watching tv. Next thing I know (approximately 30 seconds later) my plate is nearly empty. Good God. How disgusting must that have looked? Shovelling my food in my face at an alarming rate! I find myself asking the same question repeatedly.... "Where is the thief?" It's not like some ninja is gonna swoop in and rob my plate from me is it? I swear I never tasted half of it either. Maybe if I learn not to be such a glutton I'll stop feeling the need to buy myself a trough!

Lardarse!

Hi! Welcome to our first Lard-Loss post!!!

In case you hadn't guessed, we are two fat joggers...... well, actually we are two fat people who are just starting to jog in an attempt NOT to be fat!

We are Steph and Sammay, we are based in Somerset and, if you are lucky enough to live there, you may see us jogging around, gasping for oxygen. Please feel free to laugh, point, gesticulate, whatever you wish. We will probably laugh too, then have to gasp even more for even more oxygen. Sammay may also vomit, depending on how far we have run..... However, she is a qualified first aider so all will not be lost if said vomiting occurs. Although, how she will first-aid herself I am not sure yet..... and CPR could be a bit of an issue.... I don't do vomit and I would have run (actually who am I kidding walked) away by then.

So, we will keep you up to date on our fat wobbling program and lard reduction progress (also any spectacular things good or bad, that we see whilst we are out). Please feel free to join us fat joggers at any point, we have different run places on different nights so, you never know, we may be wheezing past you soon! :)