Well, tonight started on my way home in the car (why is there always a 40mph twat by the way? What is it about 40mph that makes certain people need to do that particular speed in a 60 zone?) when I was arguing with myself about did I go running or did I take the bike out? The bike sadly lost as to make it worth my while I need to do at least 10-15 miles and then it would be pitch dark and fricking freezing and I would be miles from home, probably knowing my luck in a force 50 gale freezing my fingers over the hoods on my handlebars. Just looking on the bright side, like.
So..... I delayed the run as long as I could justify then off I set. Today's most valuable lesson: do not run when you are hungry enough to eat a scabby donkey unless you don't mind hearing your stomach rumble over the traffic AND your earphones that are set loud enough to make your eardrums bleed. I'm not kidding I could have started the next major tectonic plate shift with my guts tonight. Fortunately for the majority of my run I am alone so I only get embarrassed for myself rather than because someone has had to get ear defenders so I can run by their house.
At this point I would like to point out that I live in a respectable area, nice little village, nice people..... except tonight I must have ran through some sort of wormhole that brought me out in a parallel universe because, as I jogged round a corner on a nice quiet little back street to the cheerful tune of Dizzee Rascal and THERE HE WAS. THE MAN. It actually made me anchor up mid stride and nearly face plant the pavement. Up ahead of me was a lone man dragging a....... wait for it....... baseball bat along in his right hand. Now, although I had anchored up in surprise I figured there was some kid up ahead somewhere who he'd been in the playing field with (in the dark of course that was likely, Steph, good thinking) so I carried on. Sadly this rapidly turned out not to be the case when said man approached a bush up ahead and suddenly turned on it and started screaming at it and pounding the shit out of it with said bat. Great. I am just about to turn around and go the other way (quickly) when I realise actually I'm quite close and he has seen me. So, now I have that nanosecond dilemma which seems to go on forever in my brain as to whether I turn round and make it obvious he has freaked me RIGHT out or, do I play it cool and brave jogging past him like he's totally normal and stable......... sadly by this time I am practically on top of him so the decision was taken away and I had to run past. It got weirder...... he stopped screaming and beating the bush as I got level with him, cleared his throat and said 'evening.' Well, that was it for me, I managed to nod and smile then had to LEG IT up the road so I could laugh my tits off. I swear I have not laughed that hard in ages.
I have GOT to stop jogging at night, I can't take much more of this, I'm gonna have a breakdown. Actually I think my shins already have as I seem to lose all feeling in them as I'm running and I feel like I'm running on my knees. Strange...........
Serious though, I appear to live in a village from a horror movie where everyone is normal during the day and turn completely psychotic at night...... wonder if it's catching?????
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Strangely Quiet
Went for my Wednesday run last night in the strange apocalyptic quiet..... ok it was cold enough to cryogenically freeze me in mid-run pose but it was only 6.00 ish! It should have been the tail end of rush hour but there was barely a car on the road and I don't think I passed another human being on foot or even on a bike. It was, once again, like a bizarre horror movie scene you know, right before someone springs out with a meat cleaver to hack my limbs off...........
Anyway, it was my last run of week 3 so I have to start week 4 over the next couple of days. Not looking forward to that much, gotta be honest. Still, I was like this over week 3 and it wasn't so bad so we'll see!
I have recently involuntarily adopted a new tactic - I feel myself starting to die and of course, I think OMG I'm gonna have to stop in a minute but then, this other voice in my head (scary I know) starts shouting 'stop thinking about dying, you're fine! No! Stop thinking that!' and the argument continues until the woman on the training app yells 'WALK' down my ear! It obviously works as I don't stop because I'm so busy listening to the 2 voices in my head having their very own argument! This also detracts from the eerie sensation of being totally alone on the badly lit streets with no pavements just waiting for that lunatic I mentioned earlier.........
Anyway, it was my last run of week 3 so I have to start week 4 over the next couple of days. Not looking forward to that much, gotta be honest. Still, I was like this over week 3 and it wasn't so bad so we'll see!
I have recently involuntarily adopted a new tactic - I feel myself starting to die and of course, I think OMG I'm gonna have to stop in a minute but then, this other voice in my head (scary I know) starts shouting 'stop thinking about dying, you're fine! No! Stop thinking that!' and the argument continues until the woman on the training app yells 'WALK' down my ear! It obviously works as I don't stop because I'm so busy listening to the 2 voices in my head having their very own argument! This also detracts from the eerie sensation of being totally alone on the badly lit streets with no pavements just waiting for that lunatic I mentioned earlier.........
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
I Love Amber
Amber was back last night!!! It was like chariots of fire. I could have run across the studio in slo-mo yelling Aaaaaammmmmbbbbbbeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!! lol.
Poor girl has had such a bad week. She got called into hospital, told she had Leukaemia, then told actually no you don't sorry. Then the people at her other gym are being right gym bunny bitches and pretty much ignoring her completely in her class whether she be trying to talk to them or giving them instructions. She was so pleased to be back with us lot it was quite sweet!
Not that that made her go any easier on us..... I don't know what was dripping more, my towel or my face! And after having barely eaten for a week we certainly suffered the tiredness more than normal. The whole session went really quick though - it was strange. I was hanging out my arse but felt like we'd only been in there 15 minutes or so and it was all over!
Fat Jogging tonight.... must motivate myself and hope I come across no more weird old ladies driving around dead passengers.....
Poor girl has had such a bad week. She got called into hospital, told she had Leukaemia, then told actually no you don't sorry. Then the people at her other gym are being right gym bunny bitches and pretty much ignoring her completely in her class whether she be trying to talk to them or giving them instructions. She was so pleased to be back with us lot it was quite sweet!
Not that that made her go any easier on us..... I don't know what was dripping more, my towel or my face! And after having barely eaten for a week we certainly suffered the tiredness more than normal. The whole session went really quick though - it was strange. I was hanging out my arse but felt like we'd only been in there 15 minutes or so and it was all over!
Fat Jogging tonight.... must motivate myself and hope I come across no more weird old ladies driving around dead passengers.....
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
The Name and Shame
Let's cut to the chase on this one. Sammay FAILED. In epic proportions.
We decided to run, despite the weather and, off we went on our first run interval and all was well. We hit our first walk and Sammay announces (loudly) that she needs a poo. Apparently it was gonna be ok though and she could hold it. So off we went again on the next run where she continued to shout after me she needed a crap. Luckily there was no-one around to see me laughing hysterically and gasping for oxygen more than usual.
On the third run I thought she was still shouting about needing a crap but no! This time she was shouting she had cramp so we stopped and she did some stretches on a wall in some street before the park. Tried again for a run and it wasn't happening so we walked into the park and she said she would walk fast while I ran a circuit of the park. Ok.... off I went, met up with her at the other side and asked if she was doing the next run...... NO. In no uncertain terms she was not. So we walked out the park and down some road (Kendale Road?) and headed for home. At this point I'm so lost its unreal. No idea on any vague direction I should be going so just wandered along behind, playing out the run program down my ear but not actually doing it as Sammay has failed so miserably. At this point it occurs to me that I really need to learn my way round Bridgwater so if this happens again to either of us, the other can run on home and meet up there. But, sadly, I was beyond lost and, I gotta be honest, whatever road is at the end of what was possibly Kendale Road, that begins with F, looked like a road I should have been running down if you get what I mean. I can't imagine anyone would want to stay still for long down there for fear of finding themselves stripped of everything they own, including their clothes, in the blink of an eye.
So, the whole thing was a fail. And apparently I'm starting to sound like a personal trainer as I told Sam off for being a windmill in a stretch.... lol. If I was a personal trainer I'd be thinner and richer!!!!
We decided to run, despite the weather and, off we went on our first run interval and all was well. We hit our first walk and Sammay announces (loudly) that she needs a poo. Apparently it was gonna be ok though and she could hold it. So off we went again on the next run where she continued to shout after me she needed a crap. Luckily there was no-one around to see me laughing hysterically and gasping for oxygen more than usual.
On the third run I thought she was still shouting about needing a crap but no! This time she was shouting she had cramp so we stopped and she did some stretches on a wall in some street before the park. Tried again for a run and it wasn't happening so we walked into the park and she said she would walk fast while I ran a circuit of the park. Ok.... off I went, met up with her at the other side and asked if she was doing the next run...... NO. In no uncertain terms she was not. So we walked out the park and down some road (Kendale Road?) and headed for home. At this point I'm so lost its unreal. No idea on any vague direction I should be going so just wandered along behind, playing out the run program down my ear but not actually doing it as Sammay has failed so miserably. At this point it occurs to me that I really need to learn my way round Bridgwater so if this happens again to either of us, the other can run on home and meet up there. But, sadly, I was beyond lost and, I gotta be honest, whatever road is at the end of what was possibly Kendale Road, that begins with F, looked like a road I should have been running down if you get what I mean. I can't imagine anyone would want to stay still for long down there for fear of finding themselves stripped of everything they own, including their clothes, in the blink of an eye.
So, the whole thing was a fail. And apparently I'm starting to sound like a personal trainer as I told Sam off for being a windmill in a stretch.... lol. If I was a personal trainer I'd be thinner and richer!!!!
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Live rigor mortis.
Everything I have ever said against Adam or Amber I totally retract. Amber is NOT a spinning devil, Amber is an angel. I vow to throw rose petals in front of her as she walks if I NEVER have to see Louise again.
Louise is the stand in if anybody is sick. Amber was sick tonight and omg. I'm reasonably sure I now have rigor mortis in my legs even though I am apparently still alive. I know 250% that I will not be able to walk tomorrow. We were stood up and pedalling like fuck for at least 40 of the 45 minutes. Some of the pedalling was backwards, some forwards but ALL was on pretty high resistance if not ridiculously high! It was the first time I actually felt at one point I might not make it through the class. Nikki almost let a mouthful of puke go, everyone else was just deadly silent through the whole thing. I now have legs of steel, which is great but I don't think my knees will bend ever again and, right now, I think I could crush bowling balls between my thighs. When Louise asked if we had enjoyed it at the end, she must have had her ear drums blown by the resounding silence. No, you psychotic bitch you have nearly killed us all.
And I am expecting my legs to jog tomorrow.....?
Louise is the stand in if anybody is sick. Amber was sick tonight and omg. I'm reasonably sure I now have rigor mortis in my legs even though I am apparently still alive. I know 250% that I will not be able to walk tomorrow. We were stood up and pedalling like fuck for at least 40 of the 45 minutes. Some of the pedalling was backwards, some forwards but ALL was on pretty high resistance if not ridiculously high! It was the first time I actually felt at one point I might not make it through the class. Nikki almost let a mouthful of puke go, everyone else was just deadly silent through the whole thing. I now have legs of steel, which is great but I don't think my knees will bend ever again and, right now, I think I could crush bowling balls between my thighs. When Louise asked if we had enjoyed it at the end, she must have had her ear drums blown by the resounding silence. No, you psychotic bitch you have nearly killed us all.
And I am expecting my legs to jog tomorrow.....?
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Rain and Kidney Pain
I gotta admit, I'm proud of my desire to be thin today. After a day of feeling like I've run around like a headless chicken I forced myself to go for a run in the dark and the pissing rain. I had over indulged a tad during the day on wasabi peas and cheese on toast, bits of chocolate etc so I had to do 'the guilt run.'
Not only was it dark, cold and raining but my kidneys decided to repeatedly punch me in my lower back at that particular moment but, it was only kidney ache, I wasn't going to die (so I kept telling myself whilst making mental note to buy hydrating isotonic drinks asap - I don't want kidneys the size of shrivelled walnuts thank you very much).
Well, let me tell you, there are some serious weirdos out at that time of night. Including a bloke having an argument with a hedge - I ran particularly quickly past him - and a kerb crawling old lady with her soon-to-be-dead looking friend. I assumed they wanted directions being old and out in the car in the dark, probably only living 5 minutes up the road but, that's ok, we all get a little disoriented from time to time..... so I slowed up and pulled my earphones out in preparation for the car window to come down but no! All that happened was the (I assume) still living corpse in the passenger seat just stared really creepily at me with her mouth open. I suppose she might have been dead. The driver meanwhile was gripping the steering wheel like a vice and just staring straight ahead. I actually felt the need to look behind me to see if the zombie apocalypse was upon us. If it was, it was very quiet. So I jogged on, looked back to see the car doing a 360 and coming back. They slowed again by me but on the other side of the road, driver still staring ahead, passenger staring out the other window like she was in the first place. Then the car crawled away. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced the passenger was dead. Maybe the driver hadn't realised....
Anyway, got home, soaked, a little freaked out and still with thumping kidneys. Took some disgusting hydration powder drink thing, now am wondering if actually its not my kidneys at all, its the fact that I had to push a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre up a steep-ass hill with a large bale of hay in it and my back just hurts!
Whatever it is, it had better have buggered off by morning cos it bastard hurts!!!!
Not only was it dark, cold and raining but my kidneys decided to repeatedly punch me in my lower back at that particular moment but, it was only kidney ache, I wasn't going to die (so I kept telling myself whilst making mental note to buy hydrating isotonic drinks asap - I don't want kidneys the size of shrivelled walnuts thank you very much).
Well, let me tell you, there are some serious weirdos out at that time of night. Including a bloke having an argument with a hedge - I ran particularly quickly past him - and a kerb crawling old lady with her soon-to-be-dead looking friend. I assumed they wanted directions being old and out in the car in the dark, probably only living 5 minutes up the road but, that's ok, we all get a little disoriented from time to time..... so I slowed up and pulled my earphones out in preparation for the car window to come down but no! All that happened was the (I assume) still living corpse in the passenger seat just stared really creepily at me with her mouth open. I suppose she might have been dead. The driver meanwhile was gripping the steering wheel like a vice and just staring straight ahead. I actually felt the need to look behind me to see if the zombie apocalypse was upon us. If it was, it was very quiet. So I jogged on, looked back to see the car doing a 360 and coming back. They slowed again by me but on the other side of the road, driver still staring ahead, passenger staring out the other window like she was in the first place. Then the car crawled away. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced the passenger was dead. Maybe the driver hadn't realised....
Anyway, got home, soaked, a little freaked out and still with thumping kidneys. Took some disgusting hydration powder drink thing, now am wondering if actually its not my kidneys at all, its the fact that I had to push a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre up a steep-ass hill with a large bale of hay in it and my back just hurts!
Whatever it is, it had better have buggered off by morning cos it bastard hurts!!!!
Monday, 4 February 2013
Could the aliens please return Adam?
Disaster has struck! Adam has turned into Amber. Much as I love Amber, her class is hard-ass and we use Adams class the night before to warm up. But NOOOOOOOOO. Not tonight!
We were greeted with him all excited as he had changed his routine and were we ready for it etc. Yeah yeah Adam it's all good. No no Adam it's not!!! Shit the bed. We must have spent 80% of the whole class doing standing bloody hill climbs and jumps, the other 20% sprinting like demons. And the air con was either not on or I was on some serious menopausal flush for pretty much the whole 45 minutes! Once again, trying to find the dry spot on my towel was like trying to find the wet spot in the Sahara.
To make matters worse, the snooty bint next to me didn't take her bloody sweater off for at least 20 minutes, when she finally did all I could see were her bingo wings flapping away out the corner of my eye. Attractive. Still at least I'm not the only one with bingo wings and a muffin top so I suppose I should be grateful.
The Adam impersonator wanted a bit of feedback at the end and, surprisingly, it had given me a proper buzz by the end. Whether I can walk tomorrow remains to be seen. And there is no Amber tomorrow so I will have a bonus recovery day!!! Suppose I ought to try and jog tomorrow instead - unless its blowing a force 20 gale and snowing which is what they have forecast. Here's hoping they are very wrong!!!!!
We were greeted with him all excited as he had changed his routine and were we ready for it etc. Yeah yeah Adam it's all good. No no Adam it's not!!! Shit the bed. We must have spent 80% of the whole class doing standing bloody hill climbs and jumps, the other 20% sprinting like demons. And the air con was either not on or I was on some serious menopausal flush for pretty much the whole 45 minutes! Once again, trying to find the dry spot on my towel was like trying to find the wet spot in the Sahara.
To make matters worse, the snooty bint next to me didn't take her bloody sweater off for at least 20 minutes, when she finally did all I could see were her bingo wings flapping away out the corner of my eye. Attractive. Still at least I'm not the only one with bingo wings and a muffin top so I suppose I should be grateful.
The Adam impersonator wanted a bit of feedback at the end and, surprisingly, it had given me a proper buzz by the end. Whether I can walk tomorrow remains to be seen. And there is no Amber tomorrow so I will have a bonus recovery day!!! Suppose I ought to try and jog tomorrow instead - unless its blowing a force 20 gale and snowing which is what they have forecast. Here's hoping they are very wrong!!!!!
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Surgery required!
Today I went out on the bike instead of running. It was bloody freezing and omg my arse has forgotten how freaking hard my damn saddle is on the road bike and how uneven the road surfaces are!!!
Only did a very disappointing 9.5 miles as my companion was not feeling her best to say the least! Felt like we had been out for ages and covered miles - one of those statements is true - we had been out for ages! Whilst not feeling too badly out of breath (apart from the hills!) and not feeling tired physically, my arse had had enough by the time we got home. Must try and cycle more, toughen my butt up again! It was doing laundry really well by the time I had the necessary surgery to remove my ass from the saddle!!
Only did a very disappointing 9.5 miles as my companion was not feeling her best to say the least! Felt like we had been out for ages and covered miles - one of those statements is true - we had been out for ages! Whilst not feeling too badly out of breath (apart from the hills!) and not feeling tired physically, my arse had had enough by the time we got home. Must try and cycle more, toughen my butt up again! It was doing laundry really well by the time I had the necessary surgery to remove my ass from the saddle!!
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Desperate Housewives
This morning I went for an early run (mainly to avoid being seen by any 'real joggers' or too many people in general) to embark upon my first day of week 3 which is quite a jump from week 2. I'm not gonna lie, I was a tiny bit apprehensive about it and quite sure I wouldn't be able to do it.
As it happens, it went really well, due to my sudden ability to pace myself. My normal problem is, I don't really know how to jog so I run everywhere at almost maximum speed. Fortunately today, I managed to get it together and completed my run quite successfully!
However, on my cool down walk, I was forced to stand aside and allow the menopausal housewives of Somerset 'jog' past me in their designer spandex, sweat bands and trainers, faces caked in makeup, chattering away as they shuffled past trying to asphyxiate me with their ridiculous designer perfume. Seriously, you're going jogging. Why in Gods name would you put makeup and perfume on???
I swear if I EVER turn into that, I will hire a hitman on myself.
As it happens, it went really well, due to my sudden ability to pace myself. My normal problem is, I don't really know how to jog so I run everywhere at almost maximum speed. Fortunately today, I managed to get it together and completed my run quite successfully!
However, on my cool down walk, I was forced to stand aside and allow the menopausal housewives of Somerset 'jog' past me in their designer spandex, sweat bands and trainers, faces caked in makeup, chattering away as they shuffled past trying to asphyxiate me with their ridiculous designer perfume. Seriously, you're going jogging. Why in Gods name would you put makeup and perfume on???
I swear if I EVER turn into that, I will hire a hitman on myself.
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